Mourning Mittens

While I didn't want Mitt Romney anywhere near 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. I, like many people who enjoy the magical phoniness that is Mitt Romney, am crushed (Crushed, I tell you!) that he won't be available to make fun of for the next 67 days.

It was my dream to see both John McCain and Mitt Romney stand next to each other all sour patches while trying not to vomit or murder one another. Maybe that was the problem. Because if Mitt were veep it would be creepy to have him call every morning to ask John, "How are feeling today? Do you feel the cold hand of the Grim Reaper itching closer? Like they always say, John, go into the light!"

Maybe Gov. Sarah Palin is able to get out her talking points without everyone wanting to take a shower afterwards. But the real victim in all this is me. All I wanted was to have Mittens back for me to kick around. My visions of seeing Mad Joe Biden taking The Crazy to Mittens in a debate. Hearing Mittens lie about things he didn't have to lie about. Tell me how your dad walked with Dr. King again, Mittens! I liked that story!

And I felt sorry for Mittens. As the primary progressed the other Republican ladies-in-waiting started playing John McCain's backup dancers during debates. They would all take turns taking a Louisville Slugger to Mittens' lil' mitts. They just wouldn't stop picking on him. He can't help it that he looks like a game show host and went from being moderate-to-hard right in the span of one soundbite.

He wanted to be president, dammit! He didn't care how. And then people stopped donating so he kept spending his own cash. He was going to purchase what We the People wouldn't deliver. See? McCain could use a guy who could write his own checks, but Romney was denied ... again. Now he sits there, all salty, because he's been shit-grinning and kissing McCain's ass for months and now all that hard work FOR NOTHING. Endorsing him at CPAC where he'd become some conservative folk hero while McCain got booed? FOR NOTHING. Pretending to find McCain smart, impressive, inspiring or dynamic and defending him on TV? FOR NOTHING.

Mittens' kissed ass for more than four months and all he got was yet another slap down from McCain, only this slap down was governor of Alaska for less than two years and doesn't have $220 million.

Boo!

There were so many things I hadn't made fun of yet about you, Mittens. So many things. Like how you look like you style your hair with Armor All and that you stage massive tournaments of charades and Risk with the Osmond family at your compound. There will never be a candidate out of central casting more cheesy than you, and that's what makes you special.

Sigh.

While I work up some material on this, Palin person, I guess I'll just have to wonder what could have been ...

... Made fun of.