Celebrity Photos Fashion

Friday, January 7, 2011

If We Were Her Gays: Jennifer Aniston

It is LONG past the time for this to happen.

We admit it. Our first two choices for the IWWHG feature - January Jones and Jen here - were chosen for totally mercenary reasons. One: they both need style interventions, and two: they have doll bodies, which are easy to pick out clothes for without the benefit of a dressing room. Oh sure, every woman needs to try a dress on before she can tell if it's working for her, but it's definitely easier to play deskchair stylist when she doesn't have, say, really big boobs or wide hips or some other totally normal body feature that the fashion industry doesn't have a good track record for considering. We will definitely get around to Christina Hendricks, but we're going to work our way up to her. Not because her body is some sort of freakish nightmare, but because, as stylish, fabulous, and opinionated as we are, we have never had to enter a dressing room in possession of a major set of mammaries. We can just hear the buxom gals in the comments section. "You think THIS is going to look good on a pair of boobs?!?" So yeah. Skinny bitches with pert boobs are a hell of a lot easier to play imaginary dressup. Anyone without a Barbie body usually needs a dressing room.

As for Jen, it's not hard to sum up her style. Sleeveless or strapless mini-dresses in neutral colors or metallics, very fitted to the body. Because she's so rigid in her style, we're going to assume she'd be a nightmare if we tried to take her too far outside her wheelhouse. As much as we'd love to get her into some prints or suits or wild colors, we just can't imagine such a thing happening. We tried our best to take what Jen normally goes for and make it slightly more stylish and interesting.

First up, this Gucci, which shouldn't require too much cajoling for her to try on. It's exactly what she goes for, but it has at least a little more visual interest than the usual shiny towels she wears.

Now it's time to slip in a few changes. This Jason Wu still fulfills most of her style commandments, but the addition of the embroidered flowers takes it away from being more of the same. Jen clearly doesn't like frippery of any sort on her clothes, but we think she can be talked into this. She'd probably want the hem raised or the skirt made tighter, though.

Honeys, we're already sick of the neutrals ourselves, but we figure we need to gain her trust before we unveil the more challenging looks. Besides, even this Yves Saint Laurent would require some convincing. It's a little boxier than she's used to, not to mention it's not strapless. We'd play up the tiny strip of skin at the stomach, just to get Miss Skin-Baring on board. This looks chic and of-the-moment, but still looks like Jen to us.

She loves her blacks and whites, but she'd need a lot of hand-holding to convince her to try on this Yves Saint Laurent. It has most of the elements she favors, but she doesn't usually go for bold graphic qualities. We think she'd rock it once she got used to it, however.

This Carolina Herrera combines her love of neutrals and of metallics, while bumping up the class factor considerably. The subtle print might scare her, but we'd make sure to have a lot of pot and lattes on hand to soothe her. Again, she'd probably want 5 inches chopped off the hem.

And speaking of metallics...

One of the few things about her style we admire is that she will occasionally show up in a chic pair of pants. This isn't exactly her style, but we're hoping the metallic aspects will win her over. Not every press event or red carpet is in sunny L.A., so having at least one outfit for a chilly London or New York premiere - especially a chic Chanel - is a necessity.

Okay, enough hand-holding. Time to shock her.

Jen, come back! It's tight and tiny! Blue's not a hard color to pull off! It's Versace, darling! She might need to be medicated to try this on, but we think she'd look utterly adorable AND she'd get a lot of press. Having opened the floodgates...

We'll take things even further by offering this Prabal Gurung. There was color on the runways for the Spring shows, but unfortunately a lot of the yellows, pinks and oranges offered were not going to look good on Jen's very tan skin. So this shade of blue it is, at least for this season. Wearing a Wilma dress with a hem that goes past the knees might just put her in a shock coma, however.

Let's show her something black to calm her down.

For awards season, she's going to need gowns and this Jason Wu is just what the gays ordered. It's probably too fussy for her (even though it's not that fussy), but we think she'd look fabulous in this.

This Marchesa is probably closer to her style. She favors a column silhouette and this mostly provides that. There's a lot of embellishment on the bodice, but we'd point out how much skin she'd be showing and that should get her on board.

This Lanvin is a little edgy for her, but the color scheme would speak to her and she'd once again respond to the skin-baring aspects.

At this point, she'd be stoned out of her mind and would totally trust us, so that's when we'd break out this Viktor & Rolf:

We're thinking we can convince her to show up for Angie's next premiere in a cracked-out wedding gown. The press would be explosive and Angie would be furious with her. That's what good gays do for their gals: they help them with their style, make them laugh, and come up with the best revenge schemes for the bitch who stole her man.

[Photo Credit: getty, wireimage, style.com]

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