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Tuesday, November 30, 2010

The A-List: "I Love You Up to the Sky" is a Stupid Lyric

"I think a capella means, like, with electricity."


That's it?

Not that we were expecting an epic, let alone closure, but didn't last night's finale seem a little... we don't know...flaccid? No one seemed particularly committed to the storyline, possibly because none of it made a damn bit of sense, so everyone just bitched at each other, squeezed out a couple of tears and went home. We don't know... we guess we can try and recap it, but we're feeling a little flaccid ourselves. We can only take so much vapidity, after all.

Fine. Everyone goes to Maine, where Reichen and Rodiney serve breakfast in their underwear and TJ keeps thinking they're at a toga party. Everyone has behind-the-back conversations about everyone else while complaining about how the weekend sucks. Austin realizes that no one has looked in his direction for 5 whole minutes, so he takes off his clothes. Reichen seems (inexplicably) obsessed with Austin's nakedness, but Rodiney, God bless him, knows he's won the abs race and only smirks at him. Later, Austin realizes that no one has looked in his direction for 5 whole minutes, so he starts sobbing and apologizing to Rodiney. Later, he tells the girls that he hates Rodiney. Everyone flees Maine because it keeps forcing them all to talk to each other and obviously, these girls can't handle that without contradicting themselves every 30 seconds or so.

Back in the city, Reichen meets with a bunch of very serious music producers to talk about his recording. "So you're going to keep practicing, right? asks one of them nervously. Austin meets with his former agent again. His former agent informs him he's a big fattie. Again. "I don't want to be a model anyway!" says Austin, explaining very seriously that he's in a relationship and as we all know, once you're in a relationship you should quit your job and devote all your time to it. TJ visits Ryan to tell him the news that they're meeting with a surrogacy counselor. "You're gonna have a baby!" shrieks TJ, more than a little prematurely. They both dab at the tears in their eyes, again, more than a little prematurely. Or does "meet with a surrogacy counselor" mean "there's a baby in my belly?" Either way, the point has been made with all of these queens: They've got absolutely nothing going on in their lives.

Which is kind of the problem here. The only one who has anything really going on his life obviously wants nothing to do with the vapid little backstabbers in the rest of the cast. Although to be fair, Mike's hair was probably our favorite member of the cast this season. So unpredictable!

Anyway, Austin visits Derek (again, because what else do these bitches have to do?) and immediately they start talking about Reichen and Rodiney (see previous parenthetical). Austin informs him that he's moving back to England. "That makes me sad," says Derek. They decided to go out and drink and be "catty little bitches," which is sort of like saying "Hey, you know what? We should breath IN and OUT tonight!"

They go to Reichen's "performance" and Derek is once again livid that Rodiney is still there. Mike shows up in both a ridiculous coat AND ridiculous hair. Ryan arrives all flustered and informs everyone that "I was late because I was front row at my designer's fashion show," a sentence that is pretentious on so many levels we'd need a couple hours to break it down. Derek and Austin go outside to smoke and make fun of everyone else. "I can't get enough of you. I really love you," says Derek. "You're my besty!" These people have no personalities whatsoever. It's all just tics and sound bites.

Reichen "sings" to the crowd, all of whom look like they've been forced to eat something in aspic. TJ imagines that Reichen is singing to their children, which we hope turn out to be deaf for their sakes. Derek and Austin get drunk and loudly start making fun of Reichen, apparently because there wasn't enough drama being generated by all the "we might break up/we might stay together/I might move to England/I might have a uterus after all" non-storylines. A synapse fires in Reichen's brain and he suddenly realizes that he's surrounded by nasty little assholes. He and Austin fight, Derek and Austin smoke, drink and sneer, Reichen and Rodiney kiss and make up (again) and Mike cluelessly asks "So, we're all friends now, right?"

We're out, bitches. It was fun for a while, and honestly, we had no problems with any of the bitchiness or even backstabbing. Its what you get with shows like this. But the constantly changing storylines (and all the shifting allegiances that went with them) just left us a little bored by the whole thing. We'll be back for the next season because making fun of people like Austin, TJ and Derek, why, that's like mother's milk to us, kittens. But producers, we're telling ya, figure out what you want from these people and stick to it. Think how much more delicious it would have been if the whole season had led up to a gigantic Austin vs. Derek fight. Instead, it's Rodiney and Reichen, two of the dullest homosexuals to ever smoke a pole, once again confirming their commitment to each other while Derek and Austin airkiss. Bleh.

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