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Tuesday, November 23, 2010

The A-List: The Plot Thins

"We can all be adults."

Bitches, we can't. We've hit the wall. Mommy's tired. Go play outside until dinnertime.

Look, we've always approached this show in what we considered to be a healthy manner. Throw a bunch of attention whores into some awkward social and interpersonal situations, ask them to be as dramatic and over the top as possible and turn on the cameras? We're there. We can't possibly take a show like this seriously. Give us bitchiness and vapidity or give us death, we say. But kittens, even we have limits. Producers, throw as much contrived drama at us as you like; that's what we're all here for. But you've got to make it at least a little consistent. It was like watching an episode of Dynasty where every character suddenly decides Krystle is the bitch they all hate and Alexis is just misunderstood. Except everyone has a penis. Well. The jury's still out on Ryan and TJ.

So, Reichen and Rodiney announced last week that they're going to try and work through their problems, which results in Austin throwing punches. Therefore, it naturally makes sense that Ryan, Derek and TJ, who have spent most of this season calling Austin an ape and shrieking at him in public, have collectively decided that they're all going to stand up for him and try to get Reichen to break up with Rodiney.

Girls. What the fuck.

Even in the realm of gay drama - and let us tell you, it can get pretty high-strung and crazy in that world - even then, none of this makes a bit of sense. We're not asking for intricate plotting, but let's at least keep all the players consistent. We've seen 5 year olds plot out more consistent and engaging storylines playing with their Fisher Price Garage.
So naturally, it then follows that, having turned on a dime and completely reversing hours of opinions previously expressed, the mean girls think it's perfectly appropriate to force Reichen into disinviting Rodiney from the Maine vacation and instead inviting Austin, the guy who punched his boyfriend in the face. Oh, okay. Sure. Because that's exactly how people act. After weeks of hating one person, they all decide they love him and pick another random person out of the crowd to hate and ostracize.

And of course, Reichen's "conflicted" about the whole thing, because that's exactly what you do when your "friends" openly try to destroy your relationship with your boyfriend. You just puff and flex and talk about how stressed you are. No one in this world would ever think to scream "Are you queens fucking crazy?!" Because apparently all of this made sense to the producers when they decided at the last minute that making Rodiney the reviled one was ... well, what? More fun? Because frankly, we miss the days of naked Austin getting screamed at on Fire Island. That shit was fun. This is just weird and, well, we hate to say it because we swear we're not taking a second of this seriously, but it was kind of distasteful.

Rodiney is just a slow little puppy with poor English skills and he really does seem like the one person in the cast who doesn't quite get what's going on around him. His reactions are the only ones on the show that seem genuine. He seems totally confused as to what's going on around him and while that was fun, now that everyone's ganging up on him for no reasons that make any sense to us, it's not so fun. Oil him up and put him in his underwear again. Have him explain himself in broken English. That's always good for a laugh.
See what we mean? We're not feeling it. It's like the show just did a 180 in storyline and tone and none of these bitches can sell it well enough to make it entertaining. Watching Derek and Austin airkiss outside Mike Ruiz's masturbatory gallery show and literally saying "I love you," "No, I love you" at each other was RIDICULOUS.

Thankfully there were at least some scenes that didn't annoy us. Reichen attempting to sing while also attempting to look serious and concerned is a shining moment in the history of delusion and self-importance. Having all those music producers in shirts a size too small for them fawn all over him and kiss his ass while at the same time begrudgingly admitting that, oh yeah, the song is awful and he can't sing for shit, was a beautiful thing to see. Although we admit we were watching most of it through splayed fingers, like a horror movie.

And sure, the spray-tanning on the balcony thing was fun. Not to get all TV critic or anything (because we for really-reals swear, honest and for true, that we are NOT taking this too seriously), but that's the kind of stuff that makes the show fun: silly, self-important queens with no dignity doing ridiculous things and getting into bitchfights. Plotting to end someone's relationship and then pretending like you didn't, especially when it comes out of left field and just stinks of last-minute script changes... enh. We found it kind of unwatchable.

We are NOT taking this seriously! We are NOT!

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