Wait? Did I Say Roland Burris Had Balls?

Let me rephrase that ...

The man has the balls of Gibraltar. When you look up "cojones" in the dictionary THAT TOME HE'S NOT DEAD IN WILL BE THE PICTURE! I'll let Jon Stewart do the heavy lifting this time.

Jon, tell us, man. What's dah heezy with that?

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

Crisis in the Senate - Deliberative Disorder

Barack Obama Interview
John McCain Interview

Sarah Palin Video
Funny Election Video

Also, for the Snob Record: I think this incident has more to do with "opportunism" than "coonism." I know people want to throw the term "Uncle Tom" around which I HIGHLY dislike because neither the real life inspiration for the character of Uncle Tom or the character of Uncle Tom of "Uncle Tom's Cabin" were actual "Toms" by modern definition, but some things are just what they are. To me, this story is about a guy saying to himself "I'm-a gonna get mine!" no matter the cost. (Even paying your own ticket from Midway to DC on Southwest Airlines to not get sworn in.) That's pretty much the American way and racial fidelity has never been one to hold an ego back. This is a story of two people (Burris and Gov. Blago) reciting one of my favorite Notorious B.I.G. songs from the "Ready To Die" album over and over.

And I quote, "The What" (For the curse word sensitive, please advert your eyes!):

Fuck the world.
Don't ask me for shit!
Everything you get
You gotta work hard for it.

End quote.

Seriously. Burris could care less if this is "potentially embarrassing to Barack Obama." Or any black person because, despite the good Rep. Bobby Rush's statements, this isn't a race issue. This is about political power. Obama is already the President-Elect. Everyone is in a mad grab for any job with a title behind it, white or black, male or female, Asian, Latino, gay, straight. Even CNN's Dr. Sanjay "Looks Good In a Tight Black T-Shirt While Reporting Your Planet In Peril" Gupta is looking at a pay cut to get on with Team Hope. Folks want a job in politics in 2009. The opposition can't do anything but bitch and moan about the circus Burris is starring in and too many people have bought into their frowny-faced finger-wagging. Everyone from the prosecutor to the man himself has said Obama was not there when the shit went down, so could everyone calm down, eat some popcorn, shake your head and enjoy the show?

Burris is a George Jeffersonian man trying to get his senate pimp walk on. Why are ya'll interrupting? After all, a so-called Tom would be trying to destroy the black race through profiting his white masters. Like, I don't know, writing misogynistic rap lyrics that make black men and women mistrust each other, profiting from those lyrics by giving the bulk of the money to wealthy white-owned record companies who profit on black exploitation, never giving back to the community while starring on a reality show called "Bros Before Hoes" where you douse half naked black women in Cristal, brag about killing other black men and go by the nickname Lil Bae Bae. Or ... you try to get the Voting Rights Act of 1964 repealed. Or you're Clarence Thomas and you bring up a bullshit "Obama was not born in America" case to the frickin' Supreme Court.

Coonism is NOT being a career politician/lawyer out of the community who did work and fight for black issues, but saw a big sign that read OPPORTUNITY and simply did not care about things like, "Will this embarrass me or the new president?" Fuck no! Effie Whites don't think that hard. Folks are tryin' to be a senator up in here. Do you realize how hard it is to get in the senate and how HARD a person will hold on to a seat? Senator Larry Craig of Idaho got busted soliciting sex in a airport bathroom and he WOULD NOT LEAVE the senate! An ex-Saturday Night Life comedian is in a Minnesota triple-overtime deathmatch recount over a senate seat he will NEVER concede no matter what the count says, up or down.

Plus, Burris is 71 and like most old folks, he just doesn't care what anyone thinks anymore. Do your grandparents care what you think? Can you tell grandpa that he would look silly getting involved in this Blago drama? And while I know old people can be annoying, let's not blame so-called "Civil Rights Era Negro" syndrome. What the hell was Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick's excuse?

It's about power. Pure and simple. And this is Burris' last shot. Love him or hate him. He seriously does not care what we think and in the end this is SEVERAL SHADES less embarassing than, let's say, OJ Simpson or the R. Kelly trial which involved, you know, real crimes and shit. All this proves is that black politicians are just like all politicians. Trifling. For the first time, the "Good Ol' Boy" network is no longer a hinderance in getting a hook-up on a national scale for a black man. After all, Caroline Kennedy is trying to pimp herself the same deal in New York with Hillary Clinton's seat, but without the whole crazy governor situtation. That's not embarassing. That's progress!

So, I really don't think this diminishes from Obama's achievements, the various achievements of other "Civil Rights Era Negroes" or even the performances of that wonderful Sue-loving Bobby Rush. This says something about Burris (an egomaniac) and Blago (also an egomaniac), but it's not a reflection on us black folk as a plurarilty. And folks were not just going to go "Obama '08," suck in their guts and act "perfect" for the next four to eight years. Really. I don't think I'm going to get passed over on a job interview because Roland Burris is in DC shouting "I gotta get mine, you gotta get yours" over and over. If he looks like a fool, he is the fool. But he is betraying no one in his foolishness.

Trailer for Biggie Biopic "Notorious"

This movie has a January 2009 release which isn't always the best sign. (Although a February release date is a death knell.) The movie features Angela Bassett as Voletta Wallace, Christopher "Biggie Smalls" Wallace's mother and Derek Luke as Sean "Diddy" Combs. Newcomer Jamal Woolard plays Biggie. I still have a bad "trainwreck" feeling about this and the trailer does not squash that feeling. The director is George Tillman Jr. who helmed both "Barbershop" films, "Soul Food" and "Roll Bounce." He might be able to pull it off. Maybe they'll cut together a better trailer that will make me less skeptical. Although, to be honest, I don't know why this movie is being made. Bad Boy is one of the producers so this isn't going to be an objective piece of art by any stretch. Any Biggie fans out there planning to watch this? (Black Voices)

Say It Ain't So, Luda ... Barack Soooo Needs Rapper Insurance

"Obama probably likes this song but he can't be like man this song is the shit when it talks badly about the other candidates. Luda is making some hot tracks as always." -- commenter Ek at the site Baller Status.

No. Not from the dude behind "Chicken and Beer!" How could he produce something deemed "offensive?" Not the guy both Bill O'Reilly and Oprah Winfrey have beef with. I'm shocked, I tell you. SHOCKED that a rapper/actor like Ludacris produced a hot track presidential candidate Barack Obama had to denounce. Shocked, I say!

From BBC News (thanks, Tamra and Bam):

The musician used a misogynistic term to describe Mrs. Clinton and urged Mr. Obama against appointing her as his running mate, saying that she "hated on you".

Mr McCain, the Republican candidate for the presidency, does not belong in "any chair unless he's paralyzed", according to the rapper.

Mr Burton added: "As Barack Obama has said many, many times in the past, rap lyrics today too often perpetuate misogyny, materialism, and degrading images that he doesn't want his daughters or any children exposed to."

The Ludacris song urges black people to cast their votes in the forthcoming election, and lends his support to Mr Obama's bid.

The lyric "the world is ready for change 'cause Obama is here" is repeated throughout the track.

In an interview with Rolling Stone magazine earlier this year, Mr Obama included Ludacris when describing hip-hop stars he considered "great talents and great businessmen."

Listen to the track at Pop Crunch.

In the song Luda says W. is the worst of all 43 presidents (for sure) and that Obama is his man because he complimented his business savvy. (He'd also like to be vice president. Hmm ... I'm still holding out for Will Smith.)

Of course the Obama campaign had to get out their denouncement pen to squash this little "paint the White house black" musical atom bomb.

A song by rap star Ludacris criticizing Barack Obama's opponents has been called "outrageously offensive" by the US presidential candidate's campaign.

(The song) "Politics As Usual" calls President Bush "mentally handicapped," and insults both Hillary Clinton and John McCain.

"Ludacris is a talented individual but he should be ashamed of these lyrics," said Mr. Obama's spokesman Bill Burton.

World is ready for change because Obama is here? I just can't hold back all this shock and awe. I'm just so very, very surprised. Oh dear. I think I caught the vapors!

Whew. Now that I've revived myself with some smelling salts I can finally address this issue with some clarity. Not known for their ability to keep it kosher, rappers are not the most, ahem, PC of poets to deal with politically. Traditionally, the classic progressive rapper was all about challenging the established order. Now most of those rappers have been reduced to indie status and the only commercially viable "conscious" rappers left are Nas, Lupe Fiasco and sometimes Kanye "George Bush doesn't care about black people" West.

But these rap individuals are not known for their class, and sometimes their acts of "art" can amount to cultural perfidy. I know some folks consider Luda an artist, but I can't say I'm a fan of his work. I didn't agree with Bill O'Reilly's foolish fatwa on the dude and I really thought he and other rappers should have just dropped the whole "Oprah won't have us on" beef because how hard rock are you if you want to be on Oprah's sensitive daytime hour for women of a certain age? Rapper/actor, be accountable for what you say. You knew you were going to piss of people when you wrote it, so seriously, who cares?

Well ... I guess the Obama campaign cares if a pro-Obama, anti-everyone else diss track comes out.

I'd like to give Luda the "Not Helping!" award today just to make a point, but the reality is Obama's campaign has brought out both the politics and the opportunism in rappers. There are going to be a lot of pro-Obama songs. Nas has his "Black President" jam (which is actually pretty awesome). But while Luda's "Politics As Usual" may be relevant, and some might even agree with the content of it, the Obama campaign can't afford to be cavorting with rappers who've extolled the virtues of licking a woman from her head to her toes. Wha-wha-wha-what's your fan-fan-fan-fantasy, Luda? A black president?

This is a time bomb of a thousand Sister Soulja Moments waiting to happen. Let the great rapper denouncement begin! I personally think the campaign should start "pre-denouncing" some rappers before they get creative. You know? As a form of rapper insurance. Come up with a good/bad rappers list and get to pre-denouncing. I nominate St. Louis' own Nelly. That whole credit card through the crack of a woman's ass could come back to hurt you, Barack. And put Lil' Jon on the list too. And T-Pain. And of course, Lil' Weezy. God. We can't have anyone thinking he speaks for the Great Black Hopemongerer. A matter of fact, all rappers are too risky. They've all dropped the n-word once or twice or a million times. They've all been dissed by Oprah and O'Reilly. They all still scare old white people even though rappers are staunch gun owning capitalists who should all really be Republicans by now anyway.

And The Daily Show agrees with me.

But rappers don't want to out themselves in that manner, I'm sure. Belonging to the GOP this year is not the hip, dope, fresh thing to do. So until the Republicans are able to lure them into their midst, a la Eazy-E, we're going to have to deal with things like this.

I'm not saying rappers should be silenced. Far from that. I'm pro-rappers rapping whatever exists in their little hearts. (Big ups to the First Amendment!) I'm just saying they should be prepared to get denounced, which could actually be a boon for them. After all, in rap all negatives are really positives. I'm sure Luda, et al, can flip this little snub into the ultimate megamix diss track. And that would really help Obama, because then he could disassociate himself from yet another group of undesirables.

You can't be the "rapper's choice" for prez if the rappers are rapping against you.

Nas For Obama: Good Thing? Bad Thing? WTF Thing?

It seems rapper Nas has joined with black progressive activist group Color of Change in their campaign to challenge FOX News for their habitual Negromongering over Presidential candidate Barack Obama and his wife Michelle. Sometimes it feels like 1952 on there -- the way we never were. Someone had to launch a counter-attack.

From MTV.com:

You don’t have to be invited onto Nas’ tour bus to know that the big screen in the back lounge isn’t tuned to Fox News. Ever.

If the track “Sly Fox” (”Watch what you watchin’, Fox keeps feeding us toxins/ Stop sleeping, start thinking”) on Untitled didn’t already tip you off that the MC isn’t a fan, then his position at the front of the pack at a press conference held outside the “fair and balanced” news network’s Manhattan headquarters should seal the deal.

At 2:30 p.m. tomorrow, Nas is joining the Web sites ColorOfChange.org and MoveOn.org to deliver a petition with more than 620,000 signatures demanding that the network end what the organizations call a “pattern of racist attacks against black Americans including presidential candidate Barack Obama and his wife, Michelle.”

“Fox poisons the country with racist propaganda and tries to call it news,” Nas said in a statement. A spokesperson for Fox News could not be reached for comment at press time.

But Nas? As one poster on Jack & Jill Politics opined, "Wasn't Will Smith available?"

Will Smith, like Obama, is not prone to gaffes, is tightly in control of his press and career and knows how to behave in polite circles. He's friendly enough for the white folks, yet down enough for the blacks. He's your basic "Blackness Ambassador." It's a title you get when you bridge two worlds semi-successfully. I'm a Blackness Ambassador. So is Oprah and Gwen Ifil. It's a pain in the ass explaining what a pressing comb is to white people, but someone has to do it.

Nas is not the sort of guy who bridges that gap with a Coke and a smile. Yet that's who we got. Nas, a guy who tried to release his latest album under the title "Nigger," including wearing gear with the world "Nigger" printed on it at the Grammys. He changed the title. (Did people learn nothing from Ol' Dirty Bastard's "N*gger Please" album? MTV VJ's can't exactly drop that title on TRL.) But Nas is also a talented rapper with a great pro-Obama song. He's more conscious than say, Jay-Z, and other than sometimes sounding like an idiot (as rappers are prone to do when they discuss things outside of their sphere of influence -- no one asked your opinion on "Jesse can't keep shit in the family"-gate). He's no T-Pain. If T-Pain or Lil' Weezy were repping for Color of Change's anti-FOX protest I'd be concerned.

And I'd be saying, was Puffy not available? I'm sure he could have pulled out some of those old "vote or die" T-shirts.

Jokes aside, I guess I'm glad Nas is taking an active role in getting Obama elected. I would have preferred him being polite on the sidelines, writing good pro-Obama rap songs like "Black President," then registering to vote and later actually showing up at the polls to vote for Obama, but that's me. Also, I don't know if Obama wants most rappers' help -- donations? YES. Obama takes cash. But I'm sure he also has a naughty and nice list for rapper fans.

Mos Def, good.
will.i.am, perfect.
Queen Latifa, good.
Lupe Fiasco, has potential.
Snoop Dogg, bad.
Yung Berg, bad.
50 Cent, bad.
Kanye, risky.

But pro-rapper love or not, Barack is getting his help. Nas, Move On and Color of Change to the rescue.

It's great when we all work together.

But Jack & Jill Politics commenter "Town" sums up my true cynicism about this endeavor.

Publicity stunt on Nas' part, IMO.

I'll bet a box of Krispy Kreme donuts that Bill O'Reilly will call ColorofChange a racist hate organization and he'll talk about how the gangsta rapper NAS loves the n-word so much that he wanted to name his album that but the good folks at Walmart took a stand against such racist filth.

Yeah ... that feels about right. And he'll work George Soros in there too. And Jesse Jackson. That's the FOX I know. Just let the bigotry wash over you like a bath of battery acid. So warm and stinging.

Yung Berg's Pool Test: The Color Game Remix

Rapper Yung Berg recently said he was a pro-wash-n-wear, anti-"black butt," self-described racist for lighter girls raising the hackles of many. He's an idiot, but he's also more proof that were not going to get past the color issue in black culture if we don't talk about it.

"Young who now?"

It's so hard for The Snob to keep up with the rappers now-a-days. Not so dissimilar from the 80s and 90s when everyone was an "MC" or "DJ" something or other, today everyone's a "Young" or a "Lil'." I get them all confused. They all have neck tats. They all dress like they were gang raped by a Hot Topic and Pharrell Williams. They all rap about how their penis is the most magical, awesome penis in the history of penises. They all disguise disgusting "jump off" freak fantasies and love ballads. (See: "Bust It Baby") They all look like they have mouth herpes. So let's just say, The Snob is not a fan.

The Snob is a fan of men who can conjugate subject-verb agreements. Who are pleasant conversationalists of cool and collected demeanor. Who love their mothers and are respectful of the opposite sex. And have a real name, not some childish nickname, but a grown up name like Keith or Hakeem or Jacob or Wexley. Anything you can actually print on a business card. Hell, I like a guy with a business card. But Young-Lil-Super-Penis? Not interested at all.

That's why I was slow on the up-take when my readers kept trying to drop hints about this Yung Berg character. I was using him in my celebrity photo layout because of how utterly ridiculous he looked (re: Hot Topic sexual assault). People were trying to let me know "the color game" was in full effect mode with this rascal.

He's a little racist, he said? Not down with "black butts?" A "swimming pool test?" For me it was laughable because Berg was breaking one of the Secret Council of American Negroes' Ten Commandments:

Thou shalt not divideth our sisters into "wannabees" and "jigaboos" for purely aesthetic reasons.

I'll give Berg negative two points for honesty in both the sexism and the colorism apparent in that statement. I don't believe his apology. Any man who gets grown on the radio and straight up says light is right wasn't misspeaking. He likes 'em straight and pale. Great. Good to know.

And I'm going to say what countless black women already know -- a lot of men think like this Yung Berg character. A lot. Most though tend to remember the commandment and keep their mouths shut. Even a slight inference for a preference for the Halle Berry end of the spectrum will reward you with side-eyes, death-stares, curses and roots placed upon you. This is largely so because our society has already decided who's beautiful and we are not it.

It's a sensitive issue.

To be routinely told over and over you are not desirable, admirable or a symbol of femininity can be devastating on the ego. A rejection of "baby hair" and brown gel and the fantasy of a woman who looks perfect at all times and farts Chanel No. 5 is essentially a rejection for any black woman who doesn't look white enough.

Since the majority of us can't do anything about not being born named Becky with wash-n-go hair, Berg's statement is a pretty crude thing to throw in the faces of countless black women of all shades.

We were all raised in the same society where the Western ideal of beauty is the most coveted. For all the efforts at self-esteem boosting like "black is beautiful," "I love dark women," "I love dark men," "blacker the berry the sweeter the juice," the struggle in the face of blond ambitions continues. You could put up a buck naked, baby-oiled up, mile-high poster of Naomi Campbell, Djimon Hounsou, Serena Williams and Tyson Beckford and, sure, it would cause traffic accidents on the interstate, there would still be some people thinking, "But what is Zoe Kravitz doing?"

It irritates when black people go into denial about this as if we'd fixed the color issue in 1979, when people are completely divorced from the idea of why they want straight hair or the creep factor surrounding of guys I've met who've asked me to toss my hair around when it was straight. This is some deep seeded pathology and all the Serena Williamses in the world are not going to cure it. As long as the Western standard is the standard, even if it's only the standard in our subconscious minds, people are still going to say foolish things like "swimming pool test."

We should no longer get mad at this sort of ignorance and just call it what it is -- tacky. I have a strong "just date the white woman already" policy for all men who desire light-skinned women then give them hell the whole time for not fulfilling their Aryan allusions, balking at us when we wrap our hair in scarves and being annoyed when we wear our hair natural because we want to give the perm a rest.

I don't hate these men for wanting what they want. They get their negative two points for honesty as well. Now please, go date the white woman. Stop making us brown skin and lighter women miserable. I already knew I didn't want Young Berg before he opened up his mouth, but now that he has, what have black women actually lost here? Getting this fool out of the gene pool is a net gain. I wish more people were honest about it so we could actually discuss the issue and get some of the pathology worked out for the sake of our children. I don't like to see little black girls and black boys growing up thinking Heidi Klum is the prototype. Yes, she's gorgeous, but a lot of other women are too. There needs to be an expansion in our definition of beauty.

We also need to get to a point where we can talk about who and what people find attractive without being accused of being a colorist (or worse yet, a sell-out). Now Berg straight up embraced colorism even going so far as to call himself a "racist," so he doesn't count, but not every black man or woman who is dating or married to a different ethnicity or a partner much lighter than them is a self-loathing hater. We don't need to over compensate for the lack of dark love by hating on pale people. There was a period when I was in college where people looked at me like I was insane for finding Allen Payne attractive when dark skin men were in style.

My reaction:

One, ew, I don't believe in treating people like fetishes. If dark is "in style" that implies it could go out of style and good looking should never go out of style.

Two, they completely ignored the naked Tyson Beckford calendar I owned.

I feel pretty secure in my love of all things Negro so I'm fine with saying Keanu Reeves is hot and that Russell Wong could get it almost any day of the week, but it does irritate me when people make inferences that because I love incognegro actor Wentworth Miller and the green-hazel-eyed TJ Holmes I must have black man issues. (I do possess an inappropriate love for Isaiah Washington and have only the most longing and prurient desires for actor/musician Leon but Hollywood doesn't present me with an abundance of photography of them like it does for Miller.) The Snob has always loved "the spectrum," not just a solo shade. I don't think you have to ignore how delicious Daniel Sunjata or Lisa Bonet is to make up for the lack of dark love in popular culture. You can embrace both, boost both and use them as examples of the variety of beauty within black culture.

Much like having a perm doesn't mean you're a bougie sell-out, sometimes saying you think Jennifer Freeman is hot is just about Jennifer Freeman being hot. Leave out the litmus tests for racial pride and focus on the actions, or in this case, words, of individuals who are unabashed in their "no pressing combs need apply" standard of beauty.

There's nothing wrong with loving any part of black beauty. It's the hate that has always been the problem.