The Retro Kids Do Have Day Jobs

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I've regularly posted befuddlement at The Retro Kids wondering what they did for a living (besides go to NYC parties) and if their high top fades and braided gold chains were meant as a homage to the Hip Hop style that existed before the industry started pumping millions into the Rap Industrial Complex. Or if they were making fun of folks of my generation (teens and preteens of the late 80s through the 1990s).

Where they making fun of The Snob and my long hair, fully curly and crunchy to the side (with a banana clip -- of course, circa 1990, wearing a vertical stripped dress* to my sixth grade banquet where I was one of the two keynote speakers. Where I unveiled my hard earned dancing skills (I practiced in the basement for weeks with my more agile little sister, Deidre the Baby Snob, who went on to be a theater and dance major.) There at the banquet I busted a mean Roger Rabbit to some Bobby Brown after the award's dinner at Hazelwood East High School. Because I can't tell if the Retro Kids are making fun of that. That night was not funny to me.

Since kindergarten I'd been teased mercilessly for being different. By sixth grade everyone had calmed down and accepted me for who I was. I'd sat on my "cute" pair of glasses the night before the banquet and rather that wear my old hideous pink/purple plastic old lady specs from the fourth grade I went to the thing blind and specs-less. To my shock, everyone responded to me like I was the hottest chick in the room. I was "that girl" from the cheesy movies where you take off the glasses (and develop somewhat of a figure) and suddenly I was hot. That begot four years of bitching to my mom to get me contact lenses. So that night of 90s tackiness is a night of wonderfulness for me. Don't mock it, Retro Kids. Other than that -- Rock on. (From kanYe West Blog, via reader Whitty)

*I have got to dig up that picture. I swear to God. I was the hottest 12 year old in the game that night. I wouldn't feel that way again until college in my sorority days. (Left: My seventh grade ID from the former Kirby Junior High School in St. Louis County. Check them bangs. I was the hotness and no one even knew it.)

Also, scary. I can still do all those dances in the video. I made Baby Snob teach me all of them. Baby Snob has crazy skills. She had the Janet Jackson "If" video dance down pat. It was incredible, but she's always been awesome in that way. She's the official "Hot Chick" of the Snob sisters.

Happy Birthday, Jermaine Dupri!

Tuesday was Jermaine Dupri's birthday which he celebrated with a gaggle of semi-celebs and his too-hot-for-him, full-time ladyfriend, Janet Jackson, at Tenjune in New York City.

The fugly little mogul turned 36 and isn't doing too bad, I must say. He's the fellow that gave us Da Brat (when she was still interesting) and Kriss-Kross (when they were still interesting) and countless other Atlanta-based acts out of his So-So Def label.

Good show, sir. Good show.

Despite the fact that they're almost more odd couple than Nick Cannon and Mariah Carey, JD and Janet seem to make each other pretty happy so I can't knock that. Janet's had a shitacular romance record up until now. As usual, Janet went for the "avant garde" and is decked out in a style from some era that never existed. The black newsboy cap. The animal print blouse. The pencil skirt and the full length black leather gloves. I'd never wear it, but she's actually pretty cute in this ensemble. And I love the shoes even though they look highly painful.

As for Jermaine's outfit, tennis shoes with a suit is so very high school prom, but he looks as about as good as he's going to look, so I'll just say he's "peachy keen."

And here's the grossness that is Ice-T and Coco. No comment.

And here's the ridiculousness that is Ne-Yo, one of the many singers I find interchangeable from Mario, Trey Songz and Omarion due to the fact they are all trying to survive in the Usher Raymond era and the constant R. Kelly "rising pheonix" act. I'd lump Chris Brown with the interchangeables, but he actually seems to have a bit of a following. I'm sure dating Rihanna and pop-n-lock humping Ciara at the BET Awards didn't hurt.

And this is some character named Unique. I'm clueless as to who he is, (little help, readers hipper than thou art) but I had to put him in the picture show because of how ridiculous he looks.

I'm the sort of girl who is kind of into "fey" since I love all kinds of "pretty boys" (see Holmes, Thomas James) plus Prince, Johnny Depp and Wentworth Miller, but there is a point where you become too fey for me.

You'd think since I was a Prince lover even at the height of the butt-out yellow lace pants fiasco I could stand this dude, but Prince, despite the high heels and tightly tailored outfits and a history of performing in his undies, is overtly masculine in his desire to sex you up. Forget Chris Brown and R. Kelly. Prince made stage humping an art form. So any dude who can pull off dropping the N-word in a song while rocking conked-hair-era Little Richard curls in a doo rag declaring "Sexy muthafucka shakin' dat ass" then drop down like it's hot and do a James Brown split can get away with looking ultra queenie.

Maybe the problem is Unique is standing on the edge of fey but won't go the full fey. He's got the long wavy hair and the skinny jeans, lrocking the black Orlando Bloom look, but he's not fully committed to the fey. He's just some weird cross-breed of Hollywood and emo and it's not working for me. It's very Pharell Williams, introverted white boy chic. With the giant winking eye, crooked half grin and "Who loves you, baby!" hand jive his body language looks anything but emo or introverted.

Stop sending me mixed signals, Unique!

And here's alleged model Jaslene Gonzales, from America's Next Top Model. She and Unique apparently decided to both rock tight little black leather jackets, but Jaslene has coordinated hers with a form fitting navy blue dress and her matching Blackberry. I'm so pleased she could stop texting long enough for the paps to get a shot.

By the way, her makeup is awful (too much blush) and I hate the dress and is she the new Eva Pigford-meets-Gabrielle Union or something because wherever black folks throw a party she is there.

And finally, The Retro Kids.

I'm starting to think they just dress this way to get into parties because these folks are everywhere.

What do they do? Do they sing? Are they a dance crew? Do they rap? Anyone know? Do they have a movie, album, TV show, reality show, clothing line coming out? Why are they so relevant they get into any party where Janet Jackson is?

Although I could say the same about Ne-Yo, Jaslene, Unique, Ice-T, Coco and Jermaine Dupri. Let's be real. Janet Jackson is an international superstar only rivaled by her own brother Mike and professional cougar dominatrix/cool youth trend humper Madonna. She shouldn't even know who any of these people are, but she's with her little man, so JJ's slumming it and loving it. Enjoy your chance to gawk at her glorious, famed ass, kiddies. Hope you all had a good time.