Wait? Did I Say Roland Burris Had Balls?

Let me rephrase that ...

The man has the balls of Gibraltar. When you look up "cojones" in the dictionary THAT TOME HE'S NOT DEAD IN WILL BE THE PICTURE! I'll let Jon Stewart do the heavy lifting this time.

Jon, tell us, man. What's dah heezy with that?

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

Crisis in the Senate - Deliberative Disorder

Barack Obama Interview
John McCain Interview

Sarah Palin Video
Funny Election Video

Also, for the Snob Record: I think this incident has more to do with "opportunism" than "coonism." I know people want to throw the term "Uncle Tom" around which I HIGHLY dislike because neither the real life inspiration for the character of Uncle Tom or the character of Uncle Tom of "Uncle Tom's Cabin" were actual "Toms" by modern definition, but some things are just what they are. To me, this story is about a guy saying to himself "I'm-a gonna get mine!" no matter the cost. (Even paying your own ticket from Midway to DC on Southwest Airlines to not get sworn in.) That's pretty much the American way and racial fidelity has never been one to hold an ego back. This is a story of two people (Burris and Gov. Blago) reciting one of my favorite Notorious B.I.G. songs from the "Ready To Die" album over and over.

And I quote, "The What" (For the curse word sensitive, please advert your eyes!):

Fuck the world.
Don't ask me for shit!
Everything you get
You gotta work hard for it.

End quote.

Seriously. Burris could care less if this is "potentially embarrassing to Barack Obama." Or any black person because, despite the good Rep. Bobby Rush's statements, this isn't a race issue. This is about political power. Obama is already the President-Elect. Everyone is in a mad grab for any job with a title behind it, white or black, male or female, Asian, Latino, gay, straight. Even CNN's Dr. Sanjay "Looks Good In a Tight Black T-Shirt While Reporting Your Planet In Peril" Gupta is looking at a pay cut to get on with Team Hope. Folks want a job in politics in 2009. The opposition can't do anything but bitch and moan about the circus Burris is starring in and too many people have bought into their frowny-faced finger-wagging. Everyone from the prosecutor to the man himself has said Obama was not there when the shit went down, so could everyone calm down, eat some popcorn, shake your head and enjoy the show?

Burris is a George Jeffersonian man trying to get his senate pimp walk on. Why are ya'll interrupting? After all, a so-called Tom would be trying to destroy the black race through profiting his white masters. Like, I don't know, writing misogynistic rap lyrics that make black men and women mistrust each other, profiting from those lyrics by giving the bulk of the money to wealthy white-owned record companies who profit on black exploitation, never giving back to the community while starring on a reality show called "Bros Before Hoes" where you douse half naked black women in Cristal, brag about killing other black men and go by the nickname Lil Bae Bae. Or ... you try to get the Voting Rights Act of 1964 repealed. Or you're Clarence Thomas and you bring up a bullshit "Obama was not born in America" case to the frickin' Supreme Court.

Coonism is NOT being a career politician/lawyer out of the community who did work and fight for black issues, but saw a big sign that read OPPORTUNITY and simply did not care about things like, "Will this embarrass me or the new president?" Fuck no! Effie Whites don't think that hard. Folks are tryin' to be a senator up in here. Do you realize how hard it is to get in the senate and how HARD a person will hold on to a seat? Senator Larry Craig of Idaho got busted soliciting sex in a airport bathroom and he WOULD NOT LEAVE the senate! An ex-Saturday Night Life comedian is in a Minnesota triple-overtime deathmatch recount over a senate seat he will NEVER concede no matter what the count says, up or down.

Plus, Burris is 71 and like most old folks, he just doesn't care what anyone thinks anymore. Do your grandparents care what you think? Can you tell grandpa that he would look silly getting involved in this Blago drama? And while I know old people can be annoying, let's not blame so-called "Civil Rights Era Negro" syndrome. What the hell was Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick's excuse?

It's about power. Pure and simple. And this is Burris' last shot. Love him or hate him. He seriously does not care what we think and in the end this is SEVERAL SHADES less embarassing than, let's say, OJ Simpson or the R. Kelly trial which involved, you know, real crimes and shit. All this proves is that black politicians are just like all politicians. Trifling. For the first time, the "Good Ol' Boy" network is no longer a hinderance in getting a hook-up on a national scale for a black man. After all, Caroline Kennedy is trying to pimp herself the same deal in New York with Hillary Clinton's seat, but without the whole crazy governor situtation. That's not embarassing. That's progress!

So, I really don't think this diminishes from Obama's achievements, the various achievements of other "Civil Rights Era Negroes" or even the performances of that wonderful Sue-loving Bobby Rush. This says something about Burris (an egomaniac) and Blago (also an egomaniac), but it's not a reflection on us black folk as a plurarilty. And folks were not just going to go "Obama '08," suck in their guts and act "perfect" for the next four to eight years. Really. I don't think I'm going to get passed over on a job interview because Roland Burris is in DC shouting "I gotta get mine, you gotta get yours" over and over. If he looks like a fool, he is the fool. But he is betraying no one in his foolishness.

Give Us Our Bike Already!!!

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

Clusterf#@k to the Poor House - President Goofus and President Gallant

Barack Obama Interview
John McCain Interview

Sarah Palin Video
Funny Election Video

Jon Stewart on the "O-mercial"

Lovin' the Richard Pryor movie reference. Very nice.

Obama on The Daily Show

In case you missed it ... more Obama from the All Obama, All Day Show yesterday where Barack managed to be everywhere in Florida at once, got all "we are soooo awesome together" with former President Bill Clinton at a midnight rally, got his infomercial on seven networks, then went live from the infomercial seamlessly, THEN went on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart to crack a little wise and Friday he'll be on The Situation Room with the Wolfman?

Breathtaking.

Oh, and in case they revised it some, this was the official statement from the McCain Campaign via Tucker Bounds on Obama's commercial immediately after it aired Wednesday night:

As anyone who has bought anything from an infomercial knows, the sales-job is always better than the product. Buyer beware.

Awesome. Does this mean all McCain's ads are lies too? Awesome. Thanks, Tucker. Glad to know you couldn't find anything wrong with the commercial either.

Obama Returns to The Daily Show

He'll be coming on via satellite with Jon Stewart after his 30 minute "closing statement" airs on all three networks Wednesday in Obama's continuing full-frontal, I have more campaign dollars than God McCain slapdown.

As usual, the opposition is murmuring nothing but sour grapes and lime flavored haterade and Obama's all, "What? Say what? Huh? I ... I ... I can't hear you from on top of all this money! I'm sorry! Can you send it in an email? Wait! You don't know how to email, do you, John? Can you text me? No? Can you Twitter? Do you Plurk? A little Facebook? Nothing? What's that? I'm sorry, man. We don't do Morse Code anymore, although my youth campaign advisor did develop a tight pop-n-lock routine called the Morse Code once. Everybody's doing it! Just like ... everyone's voting for me! What a coincidence? OBAMA-BIDEN '08!"

This will be Obama's fourth appearance on The Daily Show.

The Barack Obama Variety Half-Hour

The skit was sort of funny, but lacked a lot of edge. To bring Maya Rudolph back to play Michelle Obama, but to just have her do what they typically would have her do (sing something silly) seemed lazy. They basically didn't bother to find something humorous about Michelle or her personality or the chemistry between her and Barack. Michelle does have a personality after all, but the writers seemed to sidestep that all together. (Out of fear maybe? Lack of creativity?) I did enjoy the House Democrats singing "Our House" and Kennan Thompson as Rev. Jeremiah Wright singing, "White devil be crazy." The term "white devil" is really more of a Nation of Islam thing, but I'll let that one slide.

But there was an over all lack of bite. I really don't think the Dems are that bland where they couldn't find something to skewer. They have an easy time embracing the slickness that is Slick Willy, but Bill Clinton, like George W. Bush, is pretty easy to lampoon. Both of their flaws are so close to the surface. Michelle and Barack aren't obvious foils, but ... really ... I could have written something better. I don't know why they just don't go full bore into the sometimes over-seriousness and self-importance of the campaign. I very much enjoyed The Daily Show's spoof of Obama's bio video at the DNC entilted, "Barack Obama: He Completes Us." When the "Circle of Life" started playing from "The Lion King" I fell out of my chair laughing.

But that's The Daily Show.

That said ... this last clip, for me, was the funniest thing on the show Saturday night. I totally went to college with that stereotype: the white quasi-Rastafarian, stoner, hackysack kid with the filthy white boy dreadlocks. That guy ... very easy to make fun of, indeed.

Jon Stewart: F&*k All Y'all

In other Sarah Palin related humor, Jon Stewart told Gov. Palin to go perform an unspeakable act on herself this week for inferring that small town America is the only real America. Not that "fake" America Osama bin Laden took the time out to bomb. You know? The one Stewart and many of you grew up in. I'm left to assume she's including me as well, a suburban born, urbanite.

Mama and Papa Snob are from the "real" America, rural Arkansas and Texas. Strangely, they don't distinguish between the two other than in St. Louis they ditched the outhouse. Granny Snob, still living in "real" America says it was really air conditioning, LBJ and indoor plumbing that stopped "real" America from being a complete hell hole.

Below are clips from Stewart's harangue in Boston followed up with a continued rant on The Daily Show Monday.

Michelle and Jon: Together At Last

After doing The Colbert Report earlier this summer (and looking resplendent in a aquamarine dress ... and so resplendent, Colbert sang to her), Michelle Obama is strolling over to the set of The Daily Show Wednesday for a sit-down chit-chat with Jon Stewart. Yippie! I have a feeling Stewart won't push up on Barack's woman like that wily Colbert did, but I'm ready to squirm through another one of Stewart's funny, but sometimes painful interviews. Remember, Michelle! Don't try to be funny! That's his job. He'll only make you pay for it. Just "do you" and all will go magically.

From The New York Times:

Michelle Obama, the wife of Senator Barack Obama, the Democratic presidential nominee, will make her first appearance on Comedy Central’s satirical news program “The Daily Show With Jon Stewart” on Wednesday, the cable channel said Monday. Mr. Obama has been a guest of Mr. Stewart on the show three times, most recently in April. Ms. Obama has granted few interviews in recent months, though she did sit down with Jill Biden, the wife of Mr. Obama’s running mate Senator Joseph R. Biden Jr., for a joint interview with “Access Hollywood” last month. Cindy McCain, the wife of the Republican nominee, Senator John McCain, has yet to appear on “The Daily Show” or its late-night companion “The Colbert Report,” a Comedy Central spokesman said.

I love me some Jon Stewart. And someday, God willing, it'll be me, him, a book I wrote and a TV audience and it will be awesome. Sigh. A girl can dream.

Nobody's Home

With the president neutered, Congressional leaders inept and constipated and pretty much every house of government in some form of disarray, Tuesday night Jon Stewart asked who on earth is running this country? I could have told him it was no one. How else to you explain the last eight years?

Obama a no show, but Tina "Palin" Fey appears on SNL; Anderson Cooper loves tight black shirts and more

Alaskan Gov. Sarah Palin's ultimate doppelganger popped up on Saturday Night Live Saturday and she was even better than I could have ever imagined.

Tina Fey, I take back anything bad I've ever said about you and I salute you. Good show, madame. Good show.

I couldn’t have been more pleased.

So many of us who saw this were right. Fey and Sarah Palin could be long lost siblings. With the stupid bouffant hair and the right pair of glasses, she was the epitome of Palin perfection, even her northern Midwestern accent was on point and Chicago Tribune writer Maureen Ryan concurred.

As the program came on, there was Fey in a bright red blazer. She was the spitting image of Palin (or wait, is Palin the spitting image of Fey?). Even Fey's flat Palin-esque accent was perfect; Fey had obviously closely studied the interviews that Palin gave to ABC on Thursday and Friday ...

As (Amy Poehler as Clinton) spoke, Fey-as-Palin struck sexy poses and pretended to fire a shotgun. "What an amazing time we live in," she said. "To think that just two years ago, I was a small town mayor of Alaska's crystal meth capitol."

I loved the route SNL took with it, contrasting Palin’s relative newness, inexperience and fraudulent yet “Manchurian Candidate” feeling with a scorned Hillary Clinton who viewed as an undeserving profiteer of her tough loss in the Democratic Primaries. (A pregnant Amy Poheler looked way more like Clinton than usual because of her puffy face and additional poundage.)

My favorite part was when they compared their battles with sexism, where Hillary had to deal with a lot of negativity and vilifying because of who she was and what she represented (I believe the terms “bitch” and “grating” were thrown around a lot), while Palin is being objectified for her sexuality and good looks, with the bulk of her criticism coming from tangible, suspect issues demonstrating she was not vetted by the McCain campaign.

As for Barack Obama’s scheduled appearance, it was canceled at the last minute due to the campaign’s sensitivity over the Galveston/Houston area being battered by Hurricane Ike. And was that a freaky hurricane to watch? I mostly watched CNN’s coverage reporters getting beat up by wind, rain and the ocean and, oddly, of Anderson Cooper removing, then putting back on then removing then putting back on his red CNN parka.

Per usual, Andy was wearing a fitted-to-obscenely-tight black shirt.

And it was surreal with Houston being a ghost town with the exception of crazy folk who showed up in a chicken costume or pretending to swim behind Anderson as he attempted to report the news.

The way CNN and Cooper himself handle his causal, metrosexual, withholding, but nervous newsman style, I have to say, Anderson seems to be the only anchor on TV who actually displays sex appeal overtly on television. (Rick Sanchez tries, but he’s the Rob Riggle of CNN.) This critique doesn’t mean Cooper’s the only sexy person. Gosh, no. As readers may have noticed, I dubbed Sir TJ Holmes of CNN Weekend the sexiest teleprompter reader, but TJ never wears a muscle shirt when he’s covering some flood or tornado in northern Arkansas.

Although I wouldn’t mind that. Not at all.

Seeing Anderson Cooper in a black muscle shirt is almost the equivalent of a hot news woman baring cleavage or wearing tighter, more alluring outfits while reporting, like the women who do the news on Univision and Telemundo. The Spanish speaking airwaves are filled with voluptuous figures with huge chi-chis, sometimes baring cleavage and oozing sex appeal. FOX News does a lesser, slightly more buttoned up version of this, but CNN and MSNBC are all complicit in hiring young hot people to deliver the news (as chronicled in one of my favorite “The Daily Show” sketches of 2008, “NILF: News I’d Like to Fuck.”)

If those shirts get any tighter during natural disasters I fear CNN will start playing Scorpions' "Rock You Like A Hurricane" when AC360 comes on.

The weirdness was further contrasted when Dan Rather was brought on via satellite for an interview about storm coverage (since Rather pioneered live hurricane reporting). Rather, of whom I’ve never seen as “sexy,” still has that perfect anchor man voice and devil-may-care panache. Despite being the crappiest of the three major network anchors in the 80s and 90s (he was always coming in third to Peter Jennings and the iconic Tom Brokaw), I love Rather, largely because of his “Ratherisms,” notoriety for spitting out some crazy Texas turn of phrase and his occasional loss of composure, often like he was breaking the “fourth wall” of reporting by going into something bizarre, like ending his newscasts with the word “courage” or saying “somewhere in the Bible it says … keep hope alive” when the Coast Guard was out trying to find John F. Kennedy Jr. after he flew off and got himself killed, further fueling my speculation that his uncle, Sen. Ted Kennedy, is the highlander.

Well … it’s either him or West Virginia Sen. Robert Byrd, newsman Mike Wallace, news satirist and columnist Andy Rooney or talk show host Larry King.

I’m still betting it’s either Byrd or Wallace.

There can only be one!