Sexy Ladies

For some reason my birthday week was the week of sexy, fashionable women stepping out in Hollywood and NYC. Not that I'm complaining. Any excuse to elaborate on the fierceness of random sisters is a joy. But while I (and others) will be wrapped up in hair and shoes and what outfits worked and what didn't and who needs to lose or gain some pounds, others will be ... HOT WOMEN? WHERE? WHERE?

They're here.

And you have a dirty mind.

Elle Magazine Celebrates Women (Who Just Happen to be hot)

Halle Berry, sexiest woman in the MF-ing universe (according to a bunch of magazines and some dudes at Papa Snob's barber shop) dared to show up looking pretty good for a woman who just pushed out a baby. Impressive.

I like the red orchid skirt. The whole outfit is a safe for someone who really doesn't have to do much to look fierce. With her resident sperm donor, I mean boyfriend, at her side, I love the little accents in her jewelry and the lovely black heels my flat, wide feet can only dream of wearing.

Gina Torres is my superhero. (When Michelle Obama is busy.) I love the little tweeks of flash and kink in her outfit. Like this is a pretty safe, shapely black dress, but the red leather purse and the black lace tights makes a much more bold and rebellious statement. I haven't seen anyone work lace tights that effectively since a pre-Evita Madge rolled around on the floor at the 1984 MTV Video Music Awards. If I could pull it off, I'd rock it.

I'm not afraid to admit it. I love Anne Hathaway. I love her look, her hair and she usually dresses pretty spiffy. She's looking a wee skinny of late, but I'll just chalk that up to her breaking up with her skeevy Italian boyfriend who just went to jail. I also learned last weekend from Saturday Night Live (when she hosted) she actually has a nice set of pipes. I'm seeing a musical in someone's future at some point. She already looks like a Disney princess. That said, check out the shoes.

Damn, said my feet. Don't even think about it. Don't even dream. Trapped somewhere between fugly and hot (or fugly hot), I want them and I don't even know why.

Eva Mendes is a beautiful woman who recently bitched that Americans were all for violence on film but prudes when it came to getting naked and doing the freaky deaky. So true. I don't expect every guy to pull a full frontal Kevin Bacon and his lil' bacon in "Wild Things" or bust out the stunt penis in "Boogie Nights" like Mark Wahlberg, but, damn, would it kill someone to take their clothes off? You know? Artistically. And make some love. Artistically. If I wanted to see porn, I'd watch porn, but I feel like I've been denied so many things. Like seeing Cole Hauser and Sanaa Lathan do the nasty in that horrible Tyler Perry film. They couldn't make out? Couldn't grope a little? Nothing???

But that said, let's talk about what Eva's rocking. Personally, out of all the Evas (Pigford, Mendes and Longoria), Mendes is my favorite, mostly because she looks insane and considering her recent stint in rehab she's probably a lot of fun at parties. But sometimes for someone with a body so beautiful (that she's willing to show off ... artistically) she covers it up in some of the ugliest clothes.

Case in point: I'm not feeling this. What's the point in having hips and a waist and boobs and great legs if you're just going to wear a flapper-esque, shapeless frock? And did you even bother to brush your hair? Bed-head is sexy in bed. At the big show it should look laid. But I'll forgive you because I love your crazy ass.

She's so dreamy and sunny looking. Like a hostess at a really good restaurant. Or an old school coffee, tea or me airline stewardess. Or a nicety-nice girl who always wears the right shoes and has the perfect French tip manicure and pronounces every syllable of every word. And one long time Snob reader has regularly insisted that Kerry Washington looks like she'd make an excellent trophy wife. Someone call Sheikh Hamdan bin Mohammed bin Rashid al Maktoum of Dubai!

Now sometimes I have serious issues with Kerry's makeup. This time is no real exception, but what I'm more annoyed with is her inability to take a picture with her mouth closed. This reminds me of a time I was trying to help out with a photo shoot and I suggested that the very beautiful woman posing close her mouth in a few shots because it would look better. She claimed she could not. I don't know if she thought I was insulting her or calling her a mouth-breather (which she basically said she was as her excuse. She claimed she couldn't breath without leaving our mouth partly open), but I was a little exasperated because ... you can't close your mouth for two seconds to get a decent shot where you don't look like a mouth-breather?

Long story short. Kerry Washington, you're gorgeous. Close your mouth when you pose for pictures. Or smile. Chose one!

God. Don't you remember when Jennifer Lopez used to dress with the drama and was all sexy and crazy and was running around like her ass was made out of gold and was half-naked in dresses held together with double-stick tape screaming, "LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! I'M SO SEXY!"

What did Marc Anthony DO to that woman? That woman would never wear this! This is a criminal!

The puffy sleeves. The unflattering ruffled living room curtains look. That stoopid Stepford Wives bouffant. Why, Jenny from the block? Why did you have to change?

At least your feet looked good. Albeit they looked like they were going to the chapel aaaand gonna get maaaaried!

Thandie Newton Is A Sexy RockNRolla with Idris Elba and Gerard Butler (Who Isn't?)

Thandie Newton. How many people get to be both an actress and an African princess? I love Thandie and hate Thandie. Mostly because she's the scrawny, British Halle Berry -- a really gorgeous biracial actress who despite her beauty and popularity still struggles to get quality work ... so she ends up in suspect things. Like Berry did "Catwoman." Thandie did "The Chronicles of Riddick." But if there was a battle over who's the better tragic mulatto actress I don't know who would win.

Halle hogs all the good parts anyway.

The dress sort of reminds me of Saran Wrap, but she looks lovely. It gives the great illusion of a shape she doesn't actually have, enhancing the bit she has to great effect.

Shoes and purses are nice, but a good looking man is always the best accessory to wear. You can't do much better than both Idris Elba (who makes me think of the richest, most delicious, moist piece of chocolate cake with chocolate icing in the world) and Gerard "THIS ... IS ... SPARTA!" Butler.

Also there in black, gray and, strangely, feathers, the statuesque Garcelle Beauvais. You know? Along with Tasha Smith, Aisha Tyler and Gina Torres, she too might make a good Michelle Obama in the eventual movie that we all know will happen once the voters of the United States write the ending. (If the Pinkett-Smiths don't ruin it by chopping four feet off of Michelle.)

Hated the outfit, love the purse n' boots. Condoleeza would approve. A must have for any girl with an inner power lusting dominatrix.

The Secret Life of Incredibly Sexy Bees

Will and Jada keep it hot in the streets. As always. Jada's dress is a nice Donna Reed, vacuum-my-house-in-pearls-and-heels throwback. I'm missing her short hair a bit, but she's been wearing the long locks for awhile now.

Jennifer Hudson. Love the short, feathered hair. Love the color of the gown, but not too wild about the style. The shoes, not doing a lot for me either. She's not really selling them (or they aren't selling her feet.) What's the point of being all curvy and luscious and being unable to wield it as a deadly weapon more appropriately? I hate it when good looking people get so close getting it right then run smack dab into "fail."

Everything is WRONG! The blonde hair. The cut and style of the hair. The too dark, blood red lipstick. The black and silver print dress. It's giving me a headache from slamming my head against the keyboard. Why, Queen Latifah? Why? You look so great in the Cover Girl commercials. What the hell happened?

It's little Dakota Fanning! She's growing up so fast. She can duke it out with Emma Watson over who's the hottest tween. I don't know who would win, but I have a feeling that Dakota at 20 is going to be a man killer.

Wait. Look at those heels! They're hot, but how old is she? Are her feet age appropriate! Shoes that sexy disturb me a tad.

More of Jada in her Donna Reed design.

Sanaa Lathan's smile is melting away those terrible memories I have of "The Family That Preys." Not that I ever blamed her. And just like in the movie, her hair is mesmerizing me. What brand of Yaki created that?

And excellent use of distracting cleavage. It's a lot of boobage, but not too gratuitous that she's strolling into vamp territory. Just a little something to let you know that they're there and they are fabulous.

I was excited about Nia Long's look when I saw this perky, pretty head shot ...

Then had my heart broken by the underwhelming blouse and skinny jeans. Boo!

Eva Pigford toned it down for this event. I prefer the drama, all day/every day, but I can live with her super long eyelashes and long sleeved black v-neck dress. Yeah, she looks like she's going to a funeral and is just meh, but I'll let it slide this time. Wish there was a better shot of the shoes. They look like they might be purple satin and that would be hot.

Ali Landry. I still wonder. Was she annoying or was Mario Lopez a man-whore because she's drop dead gorgeous to the point of almost being flawless and he's Mario "AC Slater Effing" Lopez. What happened? By the time the photos developed it was over.

It's my No. 1 girl crush! Jill Marie Jones (seconded only by Rosario Dawson). I'm always happy to see Jill anywhere. I'd prefer to see her on TV or in a movie, but I'll take the red carpet. For the first time Jill is rocking TOO much weave. I mean, I love her weaves. She looks fierce in them. But she's got so much Rapunzel going on that it looks like she's wearing a Hawaiian Silky Yaki-fur stole.

Still. To have the butter brown skin, the height, the tiny waist, legs for days, Dallas Cowboy cheerleader body and cheek bones for five minutes would be awesome. Even in a dress this ugly with a purse that works with nothing.

Keisha Sharpe. The woman they tried to use to make up for the loss of Jill Marie Jones on "Girlfriends." I'm sorry. You're cute in a Robin Givens sort of way, but my heart belongs to Jill. So I'm writing this to you in the most backhanded and biased way possible:

Your dress looks like a JC Penney Juniors Prom special and you're wearing black nylons when Michelle Obama already declared nyons dead. And they're not cool, like Gina Torres' lace tights. But plain black nylons ready to rip at any moment. And your hair is a little frizzy, like it was humid at the premiere. But ... cute shoes.

And lastly, the everlasting beauty of Beverly Johnson

Rock that wig, supermodel!